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Wednesday, April 25, 2007
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It Could Only Happen To Me:
You know how you never use your hand to flush a toliet in a public restroom? You use your foot. Everyone knows that. Well...
I just did. And the handle came flying off. And went into the toliet. And flushed itself away. Far, far away.
Who would this happen to besides me (and maybe Dawn)? I mean really.Labels: job, oops
12:19 PM
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
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To Hell With You Too:
Yesterday was my first day at my new job. I would tell you how it was but apparently you already don't care.
(and no, I'm not retarded, I know what happened in VA. I just have a hard time imagining that each of my friends has a relative there - call me narcissistic and cynical [you'd be right].)Labels: job
2:08 PM
Friday, April 13, 2007
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Complete Hilarity:
Thanks to My Bestest Joe for sending this to me.
Click here immediately.
(*contains Will Ferrell and language not safe for work)Labels: hilarity, joe
4:56 PM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
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Tawana Brawley 2.0:
Someone should throw her filthy, lying, opportunistic ass in a hard core prison (I'm thinking a men's prison wouldn't be totally out of line - she certainly does look like a hearty thing, no?). Sure, someone like Crystal Gail Mangum isn't the problem. Imus (another fucking genius) is. Look, they're both wastes of life, neither of them will evolve to contribute much to society. At some point it isn't so much racism as it is that we're all jointly appalled by the complete human trash that we have to share our depleting ozone with.
I can't wait to see good ol' Jesse and Big Fat Al down there apologizing to the Duke lacrosse players. I wonder what Al's Action Coalition will do to help right the wrong.
Aren't we all a little too old for this shit? We're all still playing race cards? Spewing hate, intolerance, misogyny. It's just so fucking boring.Labels: low-lives, news, opinions
12:26 AM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
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The Party’s Over:
*yes, quite sadly it's Heather*
Ain’t it ever.
Part One:
One of my favorite Manhattanites is ditching NYC. She says it’s just a year. She says she’ll be back. She isn’t the first to say, or to mean, those things but you get entrenched in a life. You buy a sofa too cumbersome to move, you befriend a girl you really like at the gym, you decide that it really is fantastic to live in the same state as your mom when you’re feeling sick, you remember that you love having a car and a driveway. That the snow was always too brief and not all that majestic after all. That margaritas taste better when they’re $8 instead of $14. That in some supermarkets the dairy section is just that; an entire damn section. And anyway, moving is a bitch and rarely is it done capriciously. I am deeply saddened to think I am losing geographic proximity to one of my very favorite people.
No more manicures at Angels (where we dissect everyone and everything). No more dinners on the sofa. Cereal parties or phone calls along the lines of “I’m bored of my own walls, can I come stare at yours?”. No one to fight with Little Brother over shotgun on the drives up to the lake house in CT. No one to borrow vicodin from. No more petsitting. No one to tell me about the awesome out the way Indian and falafel places. No one else single to go speed dating with (and other weird shit that only single people have to put up with). THIS SUCKS ASS!!. I really hate it when people I like move away. Especially when you factor in that there are really only 5 to 7 people that I truly like.
I’m going to miss my friend. As I told earlier today, I’m going to miss her deeply. In my bones.
Part Two:
Well folks, it looks a lot like I’m headed back to a world of alarm clocks, The Today Show, hurried dog walks, the M86 at 8:10am and meetings. I’m a little excited but I’m sad. I reveled in unemployment the way no other human ever could. I do lazy so well; really, to do it any better I’d have to be on a respirator. I’m going to miss sweatpants, sleeping late, CSI at one in the afternoon and riding the subway at strictly off peak hours. I mean my god, that’s SO ME!!
But then again, I am excited. It’ll be nice to return to the days where I was spending new money instead of money some dead relative considerately squirreled away for me decades ago (I was feeling guilty as hell about spending that green anyway). It’ll be fun to meet new people and discover why I hate them (I’m really going to try to stem that off for as long as possible but it’s me so it is inevitable). I’ll relish the opportunity to wear refined clothing, the sort that come replete with buttons, zippers and the like. I’m also looking forward to the excuse to buy new clothes.
Here’s the deal; I’ve accepted a job!!
A week from this coming Monday (the 16th to be precise) I will begin my new position as an office manager at SomeRandomInternetCompany.com. It’s run by some very young folks and backed by some very non-young, big money types (thereby upping the odds of some level of attainable success). Their office is a new-to-them space in Midtown and their staff currently numbers about 10. Today I asked the director what sort of dress code he was envisioning (when I say “director” I mean I seriously think he may be 13 years old. Ok fine, maybe 23) he laughed and said very very casual. I sure do like that. I have the closet for that.
When he offered me the job a week ago I told him I would have to get back to him. He told me he was away until today which gave me way too much time t think. I realized I couldn’t accept the salary he offered me. I could definitely live on it but I couldn’t accept it. So I had to call him today and ask him for more.
I am not good at asking for things. For at least two decades now, when it came to asking for things from my parents, I have utilized my brother as my intermediary. I just feel weird about it. So awhile back I asked you all. I also called my old boss and asked him. I called my mom, dad and some of my friends. Today I decided to just man up and do it. Sure, it was a measly $2000 I was hoping for but it was also a measly $2000 that I didn’t want to spend weeks regretting not have pursued. I emailed the guy and asked when we could briefly chat and he emailed me back 4pm. We played a few rounds of phone tag. I talked to Heather and my mom several times. At one point I told Heather I was certain my stomach would feel more comfortable outside of my body. I think it wants a hug, I said. Then the guy and I finally caught one another. I asked for the extra money. I pled my case, he listened and then he said he’d have to talk to someone else and call me back Friday.
“How is it I feel sicker after having called?” I asked Heather during the post-groveling phone call debriefing. Heather assured me that I’d “get it, you deserve it!” We hung up and I went online. Karol IMs me that she wants to stop by for a second. Sure enough, as she walks into my apartment fifteen or so minutes later the job guy calls. The dogs go wild barking and I have to duck into the corner of my closet to hear him but when I finally can, I hear him say;
“You got it. It’s all yours. I’ll send you a new contract tomorrow. And Ari?”
“Yeah?”
“We’re really excited that you’re on board with us.”
Me too!!Labels: friends, job
8:17 PM
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