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Sunday, April 30, 2006
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My Underthings:
The first in a potential series
Under my televsion live these dvds:
28 Days Later
Arrested Development (Season 1 & 2)
Beetlejuice
Bridget Jones
Bridget Jones 2
Chappelle's Show (Seasons 1 & 2)
Coupling (BBC version - Seasons 1-4)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (Seasons 1 - 4)
Dave Cappelle (stand up)
Ellen Degeneres (Stand up)
Go
Gone with the Wind
Igby Goes Down
Lost
Made
Office Space
St. Elmo's Fire
Swingers
The Matrix
The Office (BBC version - Seasons 1 & 2 and the Christmas Special)
Upright Citizens Brigade
V: the Complete Series
Wedding Crashers
What About Bob?
When Harry Met Sally
(I have others, but they live in my living room.)
8:56 PM
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
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Two Days in Suckass City:
So, not that talking about cancer cells isn’t fun…
It’s only Tuesday night and this week has kicked my ass. I’ve spent the past two days emailing Fish and Lola and commiserating has definitely been the theme. I’d normally not deprive you of my own witticisms, but the banter between Fish and myself, I felt, was worthy of sharing. I now present you with two days worth of gripey emails. Fish’s emails are regular. Mine responses are italicized. Enjoy.
My first email of the day. From Fish. Weather note: it was fucking pouring Monday morning. Other note: she and I ritually watch Sopranos and eat dinner together Sunday nights.
Monday Morning:
god is crying for us.
Hahahaha!!!! I enjoyed that - thank you.
Now - get me the fuck out of here please.
dude, get ME the fuck out of HERE and we'll see what i can do.
i went to sleep at 3AM. that's what i get for sleeping all damn day.
i couldn't fall asleep to save my life. and then? i had mafia
dreams.
Oh no! Did you get whacked??
I fell asleep around 2am myself, came in a little and now I'm ready to burn the place down.
Happy fucking Monday!!
nah, i didn't get whacked, because it's rarely the girls that get it. adrianna being the exception. my boss has had some awakening where now she thinks she needs to be a hardass. methinks i made a mistake. also, my stomach hurts and i want to go home. if i have to use fire, i will.
Oh no - I'm so sorry. Maybe it's just Mondayness or maybe she just feels she has to be hardassy because you were out last week and she's jealous/bitter.
(in speaking of a cute but otherwise useless fellow we both know - not work related but her email was too funny not to include) right? after cute, there's this big open space and it makes me wonder what i was thinking. probably how the first pioneers felt. damn, nebraska is EMPTY.
you're very funny today. I'm spent. 4 more days, really???
it's the lack of sleep. you're mistaking delirious for funny. right? we've been griping all morning. my boss have never irked me quite so much.
Mine likes to tell me half the task then get upset that I didn't get other part (the part that lives only in her head) right. It's delightful.
man, if we had any ambition, we'd start our own company. four hours and thirty minutes. think i might die before then?
(I sent this just after 5:30) All day long I have been ripping at my skin to get out of here and now the lady I work with discovers work to be done and I AM FUCKING HERE LATE.
Have I told you I hate my job??
Tuesday:
Here we go again.
Haaha. For real yo. I'm wearing flip flops - I can't even run away adequately, should the opportunity arise.
I hate today. Hate it. Like a fat kid hates nutrasweet.
Later:
Oh that blows. What are you up to tonight? Anything fun you can look forward to?
One hour and twenty six minutes. I just may survive. How you doin?
Better. My office cleared out so I'm here alone and FINALLY able to get shit done. I am so
outta here as soon as I can though. Ugh. You seem better!!
got to get out of the office for three and a half hours. My meeting got out early so I got to have coffee in union square park with Sarah. That’s nice therapy.
Wait - you get to chill out of the office for 3 hours with Sarah??
No, I had a meeting. And an hour and fifteen minutes of travel time. Like, thirty minutes of Sarah time.
Ah. Then you get to live to see the light of another day ;)
Your wrath is fearsome.
(*end correspondence*)
The above is true. Like, god's word; true. Joe and I went out for drinks after work and actually discussed our menacing ways. We’re an evil twosome. On the taxi ride home, I noticed this where the driver has his name (uhm?!?!):
Then, a little drunk’ed, I sashayed my pretty little self home, where I found a seriously fucking cool package from Hilary. How cool is Hilary? Well...
Now where do I put this is the question?
Myself, I will put to bed. Like now. Nighty nite.
8:27 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
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Forever Young*:
Who is the ravishing redhead turning 29 today? Yep, you guessed it. Go wish my girl a happy, (perhaps first of many) 29th birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAROL!! LOVE YOU!! SWAK!!
(*Alphaville before Rod Stewart.)
10:49 AM
Sunday, April 16, 2006
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Guess Who’s Back:
Ok so… that was not fun. If I can impart an ounce of advice to you lady readers, be very vigilant when allowing surgeons to use your vagina as a surgical port of entry. VERY VIGILANT. I cannot possibly stress that enough. My god. The things they don’t tell you in pre-op or post-op. A brief retelling of the previously unmentioned would involve a suppository (which I highly suspect I was allergic to), accidental burning of (my delicate) skin, a level of skin irritation I never knew before (and I’ve had a full on anaphylactic shock related body rash!), dehydration (due to fear of immensely painful peeing) and an inability to sit or sleep with any respectable level of comfort. And no, not a single painkiller!! And even worse, there was vomiting, I do that maybe once every five years, I am not a good vomiter, it's really a rather traumatic experience (yes, I know I'm a 6 year old. I never said I wasn't).
It’s been a fun week. Oh! And you know what’s soooo not awkward? Buying A&D Ointment (which you may recall from being a diapered baby – no, I did not wear diapers this week, or any other week since I was about one) from the pharmacist and having him (him; being cute, approximately my age and also someone I vow to never meet again unless I’m dead) delineate the best version of A&D for my particular issue. Argh!!
I’m convinced god keeps me alive for the comedic entertainment my existence alone provides. I mean let’s be honest, I’m not curing AIDs or cancer anytime soon. I’m not likely to be found in Calcutta coddling infirmed orphans AND I’m not a fan of the elderly. I give some but not much to charity and I’ve never read to a blind person. Yeah, I’m around for the funny and quite little else. For the most part, I’m ok with it too but this past week was pushing it and the worst part is, until the stupid test results are back (sometime this week), I’m not even sure I’m done. Ugh. I sure as hell want to be done though. The only good part of all that’s gone on is I’ve gone down a full clothing size. Thank god I’m not a stress-eater, that would be the icing on the fatcake. See? Silver linings my friends, silver linings. Oooh! Also; flowers. Flowers are so lovely and I’ve been lucky enough to receive some really pretty ones recently. Flowers and weight loss, way better side effects than that other shit.
Anyway… I feel way better today than I did earlier this week. I went to NJ for the Seders and stuck around a little longer than expected. My parents were actually (gasp) pleasant and delightful to be around. I was a little surprised. I had one insanely stoner related incident with my brother that’s simply too retarded to elaborate on. Luckily I have yet another (less stoned) brother and for once in past recollection he actually saved the day and pulled off a HUGE solid. I went to Target in Hackensack and Kmart in Closter. I cheap-shopped my way through NJ in a sort of retail therapy. Incidentally, I did it early last week too. Ask Heather about my J. Crew flip-flop disease (in my defense I wear flip-flops to death all season. In Heather’s defense, $130 on [even] 6 pairs of flip-flops is inarguably obscene).
And now I’m on the sofa enjoying the tail end of a very lazy Sunday. I’m still (unabashedly!) in pjs, I watched the Yankees beat KC earlier and I just finished watching The Sopranos, one of the funniest episodes I’ve seen in awhile. I have to toss on clothes in a bit so I can go play with Sir Halitosis (I’m cat-sitting while Heather is off frolicking). Tomorrow I go back to work (I was out last week).
Ew… just thinking about going to work made me feel like crap again. Think happy thoughts… think happy thoughts… think happy thoughts… heh. And thank you all for the sweet comments and emails, so nice and cheerful, I appreciated them. Really.
10:22 PM
Thursday, April 06, 2006
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Virginia Is...:
Gorgeous.
And if it isn't for lovers than it is certainly for its slightly sluttier relative: the fuckation.
Look at that there cherry blossom - how pretty?! Very.
Anyway... ok. Here's the much promised scoop.
On Monday morning I am going to be admitted to the hospital where I will be surgerized. That's a word, right? Psyche. I know it isn't. Relax you.
OK - so there's a little bit of cancer and pre-cancer floating around in your buddy Ari and bright and early Monday morning (read: the ungodly hour of 7am) they will put me under and cut it out. According to two of my doctors and several other people that have actually had this surgery, that should be it. The procedure they are doing will in effect remove all the worrisome cells and I will be done - aside from vigilant follow up. There will be no chemo and all that carnival-like fun. I'm not worried. Don't you be.
Anyway - that being said, I thought I deserved a little bit of fun first. Karol agreed and made a few suggestions. So last Friday I packed up my bags and my most scandalous of underthings and Amtraked my way to (as Heather would say) a fuckation. Sure, sure, maybe you asked what my weekend plans were and I told you I was off to see the cherry blossoms. Well shame on you for forgetting that I am a liar. I went away to get laid. Excessively and properly.
Mission accomplished. Really. I could land on a battleship and hang a banner declaring it, but that wouldn't make it any more or less accomplished.
I went to see the man who sent flowers. Because if you're going to go on a fuckation that's a good guy to pick, one who sends you flowers and makes up songs that he sings to his pets. One that has no roommates, no gf's, no place of residence within the parameters of the entire state of New York. You should see what he wrote on the card that came with those tulips. He put a promise on paper. Let me repeat: he put a promise down on paper. And he followed through and kept it. If that seems like no big deal I will introduce you to idiots I typically fuck and you will see why that deserved italics. Anyway - it def. solidified my plans.
Friday night I got in a little later than I planned but it didn't mess up the plan that much. He met me at the train station and I knew right away that my spontaeneous decision had in fact been a very good one. There was a light, Union Station appropriate kiss and then a mauling of each other before long (though that was not done in the station - I have some couth). I think I may have been tossed on a bed. Big tall guys? Mmm... better than the squigits I usually prefer. I may consider a permanent switch in height preference... something to consider. But I digress.
We rolled around in bed and made noises I hadn't heard for some time. Later he declared that it was time for a shower. We were a tad... sweaty. Co-ed showering, hmm. I've never showered with a guy before... never really felt the urge to. You hear things about being cold and wet, that it isn't all it's cracked up to be ... uhm... LIES. Showering with boys is incredibly fun. So is falling asleep AND waking up with them. Although mid-night wake up nudges are pretty great too. This guy had the stamina of a 16 year old - it was shocking. At one point I tried to fake it because I had (what I would consider) a legitimate fear of actually being fucked to death but I was totally busted. That, is so not embarrassing - heh. It is. Very. But that was the only awkward moment of the entire weekend and even that wasn't too bad - though he has since mocked me for it again. You men and your egos. There's a lot to be said for a weekend away with a guy who makes big promises and keeps them. All. Right down to spaghetti legs. God, I'd really forgotten how much I'd missed spaghetti legs. And lest you think we were totally ridiculous we did stop (at least three times!) for meals and more showers.
And the cherry blossoms were lovely too. Especially the ones that were planted in front of his building - as those were the only ones I saw.
******
Sidenote: blogging will be light next week. As I said at the top of the post, I'll be in the hospital Monday and possibly, though not likely, Tuesday, then the rest of the week is Passover and at some point that involves New Jersey. So, I'll be thinking of you kids and doing my very best to get back to you as soon as I can.
Kiss. Kiss.
4:20 PM
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By Guest Blogger Heather:
(*editor's note by Ari: I have NEVER had a guest blogger before - holy shit, this is so fun!! Enjoy and I swear mine will up by the end of sunlight today)
Hi! Ari is very busy today. Too busy to blog. I pestered her for a few hours about it and finally, she offered me two dollars and a cupcake to blog for her. I said, "Nonsense! We are friends! These are the kinds of favors friends do for no dollars… and a cupcake."
If you've had Ari's cupcakes, you'd understand.
And I don't mean 'cupcakes' in the metaphorical, dirty way. But we can talk about those cupcakes, too. From what I understand, those cupcakes had a very busy weekend (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and I'm looking forward to hearing more about that. Every time I go to get the dirt on her fuckation, her brother happens to be in the room. So out of respect for brothers everywhere, I've refrained from discussing his sisters… cupcakes.
Here's what I do know: The boy is good – he calls. The sex was good – such stamina, those two! And there co-ed was showering.
It ain't much. But you try getting her brother out of the room when the Yankees are on. At any rate, it's enough information for me (now entering my sixth month of celibacy) to be all sorts of jealous about. It's okay; I'll console myself with a cupcake. The food kind.
2:36 PM
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
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So Much to Say:
But right now, I don’t want to say any of it. Not the good parts and not the bad. But I promise you this; as soon as I wrap my head around things, I’ll see if I can’t find a way to share them with you. Sorry to be cryptic and weird. Just give me a day or so.
2:08 PM
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