Monday, June 27, 2005
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Wanted: Extreme Makeover:
I hate my blog. Not the content, though on occasion I do hate that too, but what I really despise, is the look of it. It’s so dull and pink… and if you know me then you know, I am SO NOT PINK. And not really all that dull either.
I really want to redo the page but I have no idea how. I have a moderately formed idea of how I even want it to look. I like this look a lot and I’d love to incorporate it into my blog but also… have the colors easily interchangeable. Maybe something like this could be the border… I have no idea how it works exactly.
But if any of you have read a helpful book, consulted an easily understood website or are handy and barterable… please lemme know!!
3:16 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
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Not Your Regular Joe:
I last posted Monday. Monday… What. The. Fuck? Where does time go? Where’d the week go? I feel like Edward Norton in Primal Fear; “I-I-I just lost time”. But really, I didn’t lose it.
One of the perks of working totally by mydamnself is that I can pretty much stroll on in whenever I want. Not like there is anyone who notices. So clearly I have taken to strolling at around 10am. Sure, the president of our board calls each day to talk ramble incoherently but I can always say I was in the ladies room or getting coffee. Let him drive in from Woodmere, Long Island to prove me the liar that I am. And as of today, he is out of the country for a full week so… yeah, I’m feeling bold.
Feeling bold, translates into; Joe and I smoking a bowl in my office (on my non-existent boss’s desk thankyouverymuch). And Joe and I then taking two hour lunches at the pub around the corner from my crackden er, office. I send Joe back to work, high and alcohol infused at about 3pm. By then it’s almost too late to work so I check out Gawker, Defamer and Trent, go outside for a cigarette and then it’s nearly time to go home – and so I do.
Tuesday after work Joe and I met up again – a mere two hours later – at the same pub around the corner, no less. And I (finally!) introduced two of my favorite people to one another. How they had gone so long, each being my friend, without meeting, was pretty shocking. Naturally they fell in love and will soon run off and have gay, redheaded, Independent party voting babies. We’ll all live on the commune together. Wheee, I’m so excited! Of course she loved him though. Everyone does. Joe, is by far the easiest person to talk to, the easiest person to be completely honest with and he’s charming as hell. I tell Joe the craziest things, esp. the things I’d never tell under penalty of death. You know when you’re on a date (or a sleepover party in 4th grade) and to play cute the other person asks you what your deepest secret is? You know how you say nothing and 32% of you mean it? I always swear I’m an open book, I have no secrets. I do. One. He knows it. That’s Joe. You just can’t help yourself.
Wednesday, I got to work, actually did some work, realized I was bored and sent Joe an email.
Lunch again today? I can’t wait! See you soon!
Telling people what to do is so much easier than asking. Just like apologizing afterwards is always easier than begging beforehand – topic for another day. So we redid the afternoon activities of one day earlier and then, once again, after work, Joe and I met up and headed downtown to Musical Box – which was actually closed and thus we ended up at Luca. We were meeting up with Fishie, Chloe (who I hadn’t met before), Fish’s friend Rachel, Joe’s friend Randy and Randy’s gorgeous boyfriend. (funny sidestory: we were a party of 6 when we walked into Luca and went to sit outside. It started to rain so the waitstaff asked us to move inside. As we were headed back in I saw a very good looking guy walking through the front. I was pretty sure he was hot but it was dark and my contacts were dirty so I tapped Randy and whispered; “the guy walking in, he’s hot, right?” But I didn’t get to hear Randy’s answer because quite suddenly he and the hot guy were kissing. Right… hot guy=Randy’s boyfriend.)
Joe talked me into the chocolate martini (holy god – delicious!!) and I talked him into pizza. Talking Joe into pizza goes something like this;
“Joe, we’re splitting the pizza.”
“Ohmygod, it looks great! Yes!”
We ate, drank and repeatedly went in and out of the bar to smoke. We talked about Broadway, religion, sex with co-workers, virginity and our jobs. We discovered that one of us lost our virginity to teeny, tiny cocktail-cock. That’s just sad and so very wrong. Joe found out that Fish’s friend R works for MTV and I saw his khaki’s darken rapidly in the crotch area. Yes, once again Joe had peed himself at the mere mention of possible access to MTV. I think his exact pleading words were;
“I promise I’ll behave. And I’ll dress much better!”
Uch. I hate when he says things like Sway is my favorite VJ (though he could have said Quddus – nice names guys) and he makes me feel 97 years old because fuck(!) I remember Nina Blackwood and Adam-with-the-hair-Curry. And I still don’t understand how Kennedy and I are the same age… because really, she was 30 when I was in high school, wasn’t she? I’m like a reverse Dorian Gray (the matronly schoolmarm in me suggests you look it up if the reference perplexes you).
Normally the idea of an evening meeting new people is as alluring as a gynecological examine performed by Freddy Krueger but it was actually really fun and I felt my comfortable affable self the entire time. It does of course help that we were all telling off color stories and that we’re just inappropriate folks. When the night was over, Fish, Rachel and I shared the smelliest damn cab in all of Manhattan. When we passed Beth Israel where I was born, I pointed it out and Fish responded with;
“Oh, I was born in a library…” – but that’s her story to tell.
You kids have fun this weekend. Come Sunday night Karol, my brother and I plan to be at the Yankee v. Mets game while Evil Dawn and Smurfette curse us from the comforts of their respective homes. Ahh… summer is awesome.
11:42 PM
Monday, June 20, 2005
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Fodder:
I know it isn’t fair, or perhaps more importantly to you; entertaining, but really all I want to do is loaf around and read your highly entertaining blogs instead. Y’know, instead of paying attention to my pink-headed stepchild of a blog. And yes, I do realize that it is both selfish and lazy, which if you really boil it down is essentially the same fucking thing (selfishness and laziness). But the truth is, once again, your buddy Ari has little to nothing to share. You want to know what I ate when we ordered Chinese for Father’s day? Yeah, I don’t care either. What about the stuff I bought from Target when I was in CT last week? Bathroom rug and lots of other stuff I surely don't need. Should I tell you about my blisteringly hot date from Saturday night (it was Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a slice of pizza) with the oh-so-sexy-but-still-not-quite-my-type-Karol. Oooh! What about my manicure/pedicure and dinner with The Gilled One? No…. not rapt yet, huh?
See… I got nothing.
I will tell you this though. Last night I went to bed so horny I almost threw on a robe, ran outside, grabbed the homeless guy that sleeps on the steps of St. Stephens around the corner and made him a pot roast in exchange for multiple rounds of “O’s”. I bet you think I’m kidding. Foolish foolish readers – I’m not.
I’m also not at all digging the Jdate lot – snore. They are all the same damn guy, I swear. They’re all 34, from North Jersey and traders – bo-rrrrrrr-ing. In all honesty though, I bet if I had the inclination and chose to go rifling through my archives I’d find that I get itchy every year around this time. There is just the slightest possibility that it isn’t the rest of the world, it’s just me.
And if I weren’t so damn bored with myself, I’d delve into that.
*AND* Holy shit, look who I found???
10:00 PM
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
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Mommas, Hide Yer Boys...
Remember when I used to get laid, and then I’d tell you all about it? Yeah… I sorta, kinda do too. Well, I’d like to get back to that. I’d like to get laid. Then tell you about it. I miss the seediness of my former self. Living chaste (especially when NOT by choice) is boring as fuck. And it makes me very … uhm … for lack of a better word; uptight. I’m like a born again virgin with none of the morality or piousness. But I have a date Thursday night – not that I’m doing the guy, at least not Thursday night – but it would be nice to at least sit across from a guy and see if I’m still capable of feeling a twinge of naked enthusiasm. Hell, as things stand, there are bats in the belfry and cobwebs in the corners.
I’ve also been proposed to (he's serious, I think he's lost his mind but I believe him to be sincere) so if all else fails, I can always move to L.A., get married to and live with my Producer husband. Trouble is; can’t see myself living in LA for all the pot trees, nearly free illegal immigrant labor and/or Beverly Feldman shoes in the world. Me? Miss Dark Cynic living in LA; home of endless sun, giant fake tits (mine are real thankyouverymuch) and vapid empty heads (mine contains a chorus of neurotic chatterboxes)? Yikes.
It's been sooo long (months!) since I even met anyone I wanted to get horizontal with. I had a lameass little crush going but if you don't stoke the fire the flames go out and lameass crush boy is actually a horrid flirt so my interest has thoroughly waned. Yawn. I've been playing around on Jdate for a bit, but I only seem to attract 46 year old divorced guys with tiny dogs or kids - same yippy yappy difference - but I'm practicing the art of being optimistic... who knows.
Despite the weather, I hear that it's spring, not summer and I've already bought some going out clothes! Flirty, flouncy skirt? Check. High, sparkly heels? Check. I have a few gatherings I am already commited to attending and I'm quite excited. So... if you're out, single and cute... beware.
I'm coming to getcha.
4:22 PM
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Doc Tom; Medicine Gay Man:
Absolutely Hilarious!
1:21 PM
Friday, June 03, 2005
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Whereabouts:
It’s not quite that I’m dead. Just that at the moment, and again (fuck!!) my stupid Dell laptop is sick. I swear it’s all the spicy food it eats while making the rounds between my apartment and Sri Lanka, but despite my warnings, it is off again, on yet another journey. And I’m Amish for the weekend. Just like last weekend. Very. Fucking. Annoying. And if you think you miss me posting more than I miss it myself, well feh to you. And also, really, feel free to buy me a laptop yourself – I’ll happily give you my address – or the address of a nearby safehouse or PO box;).
Anyway… it’ll be at least Monday when I’m back at work that you’ll hear from me again. Enjoy the peace and quiet.
1:19 PM
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